What kind of love do you want?

God has been teaching me a lot lately on the kind of love that He wants me to give out to my wife, and I have to admit it is a lot harder than it sounds and it is much easier to write about it than to do it. I think my wife would tell you the same thing. That being said, the goal is to strive for it and continue working towards it.

So what kind of love does God want us to show His people? Sometimes I think it is impossible to ever understand, because our natural reaction is to get defensive or strike back when we are hurt or someone does us wrong. By ourselves, it is impossible to show the kind of love that God shows us, but thank the Lord that He has given us a perfect example and a perfect blueprint and it is up to us to deny ourselves and let Him mold us.

The catch is that once you know about the kind of love that only God can give, we can fall into the trap of expecting that kind of love from our spouses. It won't work, never has, never will. The hardest thing in a relationship is not to expect anything from our mates, we all have needs to be met don't we? The truth is only God can fulfill all our needs, and until we except that and hold on to that we will never be happy with our relationships. Until we surrender totally to Him we will never be able to give or receive the kind of love that He wants us to have. There are many aspects to God's love, but if we remember the part that it keeps no record of wrongs, and actually apply it, like He does for us, then we are well on our way.

So we can go on and let our pride convince us that we deserve to be treated a certain way before we can treat our mate the way God wants us to treat them, or instead of asking what kind of love do I want, we can ask ourselves what kind of love can I give. What if for the next 30 days, we asked ourselves that every morning and asked God to help us do it, regardless of what is happening around us. Are you up for the challenge? I hope I am.

If you don't know about the kind of love I am talking about, it is all summed up in one little verse. For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, and whosoever believes in Him will have everlasting life. Jesus paid the ultimate price for us and showed us how we are supposed to love. The first step in achieving true love and happiness is asking the risen Savior to come into your life.

Communicating when you don't feel like it.

Have you ever said " what's the point of talking" about a certain problem, because it always turns out the same. It's very easy to want to avoid conversations and brush things under the rug because it's just not worth it anymore. Or we just give in to what our mates want but hold resentment in our hearts.
These are all roads to a rocky marriage or eventually divorce. A lot of the time when this happens, especially when it's gotten to the point of not caring anymore, it's because we never change the way we communicate to each other. The way we communicate has been learned and developed mainly from the way we were brought up by our parents and if we don't make an effort to learn good communication skills then obviously we will get the same results. The problem is most of us think we communicate just fine and don't need to fix anything. If this is your thought then be prepared to stay miserable because there isn't one of us that is a perfect communicator.
Now there are several self help books and articles about effective communicating and they are very good tools, but what is your heart for why you want to learn them, is it to learn how to manipulate your mate into doing what you want or is it because you care enough about your relationship to learn how to effectively talk to meet both your needs.
Do you care enough about your mate to change without worrying about whether they will change? People can tell when you genuinely care about what they think and how they feel and if that is your heart when talking about anything then it will always be a win win situation. That's not manipulation, that is love.

The devotion factor

In my last article I covered what being committed meant to me( no I'm not talking about jail time).In this article I would like to talk about being devoted to or having devotion to your mate. Webster defines devoted as being bound by strong affection, loyal and zealous. I would really like to break down this definition because I think it really hits the head on what it takes to have a marriage that will withstand anything and will truly last forever, or till death do us part.
Bound by strong affection. To be bound from a marriage perspective is to be morally(in respect to right and wrong conduct) attached. Affection is fondness and tender feelings for someone. So part of being devoted to our mate is to be morally attached with a strong fondness and tender feelings for them. I think all of us start out that way in our marriages, but how do we keep it? One way is by being loyal, or being faithful in allegiance to whom fidelity( the adherence to the contract of marriage) is owed. In other words, not going outside the marriage with someone of the opposite sex for needs that we think aren't being met by our spouse.I don't think this means just sexual, we shouldn't be confiding personal issues about our spouses to others that could lead us into temptation. Most affairs start out innocently.
The last part of being devoted is to be zealous, this is my favorite definition to break down because it is the key to having the right attitude to make our marriage survive. Zealous means persistent fervent devotion. Let's dig into this one deeper because many couples don't understand the vows they take when they get married. To be persistent means to continue in spite of opposition. How many of us have had opposition in our marriages? Fervent means emotionally intense, and devotion is love given with the whole heart and will. The and will is very important because our will to do something often has to overcome our emotion not to do something. So being zealous for our mates is continuing on with them despite opposition with an emotionally intense love given with our whole heart and will. What a powerful statement! Isn't this what we all feel when we first decide to marry someone? I don't think any of us go into marriage thinking it will end in divorce, but we let opposition take over our emotions instead of being persistent in fighting for the commitments we made to each other.
As you can see, being devoted and being committed are tied very closely to each other. You don't have to be a Christian or a religious person to realize that these are both character traits that we should all strive for in every area of our lives not just our marriages.

The Marriage commitment

We as a society, I think have lost touch with what it means to be a committed person, a person of our word. I hear so often all the excuses people use for getting a divorce, it makes me ill to think that we are so selfish that we let go of the promises we made, and the vows we took and take the easy way out to what we think will be something better.
Well I just don't love them anymore. Let me bust this one up right now, love is not an emotion, it is an action. When you said your vows you took an action to commit to that person no matter what right? Remember, for better or for worse? If you made those vows before God then you have broken a promise to him also. Why don't those words we said mean anything anymore? Why do we let what the world thinks dictate our actions?
I would like to make a call to commitment in America again, to being people of our word and not bailing out when things get tough. I don't know one couple who has been married for a good length of time that hasn't weathered several storms in their marriage. Staying committed is something to feel good about, it's something to be proud of, it shows great character.
Love isn't that nice cushy feeling we get when we first meet that special someone. Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself; is not puffed up; does not behave rudely; does not seek it's own; is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love is staying committed and helping that person through hard times, putting them before yourself, praying not for how you want them to be but how you can be to compliment them and be the best husband or wife possible.
There is a universal law that will always prevail, the law of sowing and reaping. If you consistently practice it, it will never let you down. It's not if they will do this then I will do that. If you want a good marriage, then give a good marriage, if you want a good life then give a good life. Don't try to be perfect, just keep trying.
God bless you all,
TW

The money crunch

I know one of the biggest thorns in the side of a good marriage is money and how each partner deals with it. It doesn't matter whether you have a little or a lot, it still causes problems, just on different levels.

For us, one of the biggest problems is being in debt, and I'm sure it's the same for a lot of others. In these times now with the economy the way it is, being in debt is just killing a lot of couples. One of the best resources I've found for beating the debt trap is a course I took by Dave Ramsey. It will be a real eye opener on how we have been sucked into the deception of get it now, pay later trap.

I believe that it is a mans responsibility to manage the finances of the house, but it doesn't mean that the wife is left out and has no imput. You will find that she is a very good and instinctive resource and if you work together in harmony and complete agreement that money will not be an issue in your marriage relationship. I know this is one of the hardest things for whoever is doing the "books" in your household to let go of, but if you don't find a system that works for both of you, you will be headed for disaster down the road.

I would like to here from you how you have overcome

About us

My wife and I have been married for 20 years and have enjoyed many ups and downs. Notice I said " and downs". I believe the down times are a great learning opportunity for creating a marriage that will last.
We have both been married before and were " dumped " by are spouses. This was very hard on both of us because we were both of the belief that divorce wasn't an option for us. This common ground layed the foundation for us to build a relationship with each other that we both could let go of some of the fears we had of commiting again.
We met in July of 1987. I like to say my wife stalked me, but it wasn't that extreme really. She called down to a co-worker that I was having lunch with and asked him to set us up on a date. I was at a point where I was not looking for a relationship, " still kind of bitter from failed relationships" but I wasn't about to pass up an opportunity to go out with a "hot" woman. Little did I know that she would steal my heart on the very first date. We went out and for some reason we both felt comfortable enough to share our stories with each other, and the rest as they say is history. We spent every day together after that and started talking marriage after about three months. We got engaged around Christmas time and married almost exactly a year after we met.
Close to a year after we were married we had our son, and a year and a half later, our daughter. Our family was formed.
I will share more of our experiences, good and bad in future posts, I hope some of the things we went through and are yet to go through will help someone out there that might be facing similar things.

God bless,
Tom

Intro to the gift of marriage

Welcome to the gift of marriage! The purpose of this blog is help enrich and bless those who are wanting to have the best marriage possible, no matter what stage of their marriage they are in. Whether you are on the brink of divorce or happily married for many years, there is an opportunity to be able to bless others through your experiences and help bring back the sacred institution of marriage to a nation that has been ravaged by broken homes and all the aftermath that comes with that.
This is a place that I would like be a resource for married couples and even those thinking of getting married to build a foundation that will last a lifetime. I am by no means an expert on marriage relationships but I am continually wanting to learn and grow in my relationship. I would like this to be a place where people can share their real life experiences from their marriages without the worry of others knowing who they are.
This is a new project for me, so there will obviously be a learning curve. I ask you to bare with me, and also for your help in making this a blessing for others.